Why am I writing this?

I have known many, many people who have had their dogs die from cancer. In many cases, the cancer was too far advanced to treat. Of those who did treat, you don't know the details of what they went through. It sounds quite simple when summarized with 'we went though chemo and he lived 2 years'. There is a whole lot more emotion and decisions to be made. Treatment is not always simple.

This blog is my own personal experience. Some days are filled with frustration, others are filled with laughter. If anyone is offended, I can't apologize for my emotions. I typed what I felt at the time. It does not mean I feel the same today. If you want clarification, just ask. No matter my frustrations, I know my vet and oncologist are doing a fantastic job of caring for Arri. He just is not co-operating by being a 'typical' case.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

May 3, 2012 Contemplating surgery

 It has been two days of non-stop thinking.  Me, myself and I are not sure what to do next.  Somewhere in there I also ask Tim what he thinks.  Logically, I know surgery is the way to go.  Emotionally, I don’t want to mutilate my boy.  I don’t want to see him in pain and struggling to learn to walk on three legs.  I know there are lots of dogs that have been through it and adjusted wonderfully.  They run and play like there is nothing different.  None of the dogs I know of were 13.5 when they lost their leg.  Arri is young at heart and playful when he isn’t napping.  On the other hand, stopping all treatment reveals a huge amount of guilt, just thinking about it.  Knowing he has a disease that has one more treatment option and not choosing to do it.  Watching the cancer grow and spread.  Seeing him become lame and then sick and in pain once the cancer moves to the organs or bone or lymph system.  As hard as it will be to see him without the leg, I can’t torture him with the disease.

So now I have committed to the surgery.  The next hard decision is who will perform the surgery?  I have an estimate from the cancer center.  But they also said to talk to my own vet.  They don’t want to step on toes and if I am more comfortable with him doing it, he should.  I know my home vet will be less expensive and less time travel.  But it is also a small clinic where amputation is only done once a year or so.  They don’t have overnight staffing which may or may not matter.  I know someone would stay overnight if it was necessary, I just don’t think it is common.  We would just as soon keep it local but my emotional side is taking over.  I don’t want Dr Mike to have this responsibility.  I don’t want him to be the ‘bad guy’.  You know, the parent that disciplines is the mean one.  Since I currently have four other dogs and a cat, he needs to be the good guy in my eyes.  I know he is capable of the surgery and would do a great job.  In a situation where there were no other doctors involved, I would not hesitate.  I don’t question his abilities.  It is an emotional choice. He has been Arri’s doctor for 13 years.  I don’t think it would be an easy surgery for him or his staff to do, unless they are faking how much they like Arri, which I do not believe they are.

I call the cancer center to schedule the surgery.  It brings tears to my eyes to commit to the appointment – May 21, over two weeks away.  The receptionist is very encouraging and that is reassuring.  Since we didn’t really talk details of surgery during the appointment, I ask if the surgeon can call me so I can ask questions.  She suggests I consult with him the day of surgery.  Thank you, NO.  I can’t mull over questions and doubts for the next two weeks.  As soon as I mentally committed to the surgery, I immediately started planning.  Do we need a ramp for the van? What about the step going out of the door, too steep?  How long is recovery?  What kind of pain treatment?  Post surgery care?  Wound care?  Do we need to get a sling?  And on and on.  My brain and stomach hurt, not to mention my heart.  While I didn’t ask her any of the questions, she might have been able to hear my brain swell over the phone.  She says she will ask Dr Walshaw to call that afternoon.   

Dr. Walshaw did call fairly promptly.  That was nice because I don’t need more time to come up with questions  and fret about them.  He initially started into the ‘day of surgery’ routine….drop off, surgery, phone call, overnight, phone call, pickup.  Been there, done that, not what my questions are about.

Question:  What does the surgery entail?  Is the leg removed at the hip?  Answer:  no, that is not necessary in this case.  The femur will be cut in a ‘1/3 something something’ (medical term) procedure.  In other words, a portion of the femur will be left.

Question:  Will there be bandaging?  Answer:  No, for (obvious) reasons.  Bandages will prevent proper toileting.  There will be a need for compresses and cleaning.  I didn’t ask details but that will be covered when we go home.

Question:  Will he have staples or sutures?  Answer:  Neither.  Dissolvable sutures will be used internally.  The outside will be glued – like the ankle surgery.  (me: This I have got to see.  That is going to be a big wound  or maybe not)

Question:  What about post surgery pain care?  Answer:  They intend to insert a catheter into the spinal area for direct pain control during the surgery.  It will stay in for 3 days.   (me:  I did not ask if a return visit is necessary to remove it)

Question:  do I need a special sling?  Answer:  They will provide one.

Arri is to avoid stairs, be kept on a single level of the house.  He will need help going in and out – one step.  Recovery should happen in 2 – 3 weeks.

I felt a lot better after the call.  I am still not thrilled but I know my choices are bad option and worse option.

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