March 12: emotion overload

Last night was not a good night.  Arri has had worse nights but there was a bunch of coughing.  He was at least able to sleep between coughing spells.  I could not.

At least twice, I flipped upside down to be closer to him.  To pet him and hold his paw.  He has always like holding hands - specially in the car.  Front seat dog likes to hold the drivers hand.  When he initiates it, it is good.  When I initiate it, it means toenail trim so he will pull away.  Last night during a spell, I reached over to hold a paw.  He stopped coughing, tucked his head into my hand and rested.  It was a rare moment I hope I don't forget.  At that point, I was thinking, today is the day.  I won't let you suffer.  That is probably why I didn't sleep much more.

Summer barked to go out at 6 am.  I let the three stooges out and fed them.  I brought a bowl of food for Arri.  After the night he had, I did not expect him to be interested in breakfast.  He was.  I hand fed him his kibble to keep him from eating it in 3 gulps and ending up choking to death.  After that, we all fell back to sleep.  At 8:30 I got up and ready to take Arri to see Dr. Mike at 9:30.  My late night Today is the day thought had moved to, maybe tomorrow morning would be better.

Tim and I discussed what to do and came to no conclusion.  We would wait and see what Dr. Mike thought.  While Tim was in the shower, I got Arri off the bed.  Not expecting much.  He stood and hopped to the water bowls.  I was momentarily excited.  Today might be a good day.  Then his back leg collapsed while he was drinking.  I lifted him up, he moved do another bowl, started drinking and his leg went out again.  In tears, I helped him to a spot on the tile to rest.  I left the room because I couldn't handle it.  Middle of the night thoughts are just that.  Thoughts.  Reality cuts like a dull, serrated knife.

When I got back to Arri, he wanted to stand.  I helped him up on the tile and made sure he made it to the carpet runner.  I opened the front door and offered an escape.  He stood staring at me.  I understood.  He wanted the sling.  As soon as it was in place he moved very quickly to the door, hesitated for just a second and continued on.  Renewed hope at this burst of energy.  I dropped the sling once down the step and he continued on his own to do what needed to be done.

I was no longer confident that today was the day.

At the vets office, Arri was not his usual complete spaz but still happy to see everyone.  He moved around on his own ok.  We waiting in the exam room for over an hour.  Maybe the second time in 14 years that has happened.  It turned out to be good because Arri calmed down and got his breathing normal while we waited.  He was very happy when Dr. Mike came in.  He sat up, pawed at him and started coughing.  Yea!  That is one of those things a doctor has to hear, you can't describe it to them. All things considered, he felt Arri was doing well.  Well enough to try the chemo if we decided to.  Even though we skipped the oncology appointment, Dr Mike said he could get the chemo for us.

The next challenge was Arri's oozing tumor.  I wasn't the only one to give him a bikini wax. The problem is the location and the fact that Arri is a boy.  Bandages and wraps will get in the way.  We discussed some ideas.  Some I had tried, some were off the wall, i-suppose-if-nothing-else-works kind.  We ended up with a McGyver trick.  Some fur was shaved for better contact.  Then ether was applied to some bandaging.  The ether makes the sticky - stickier.  That was placed in a square around the tumor.  Then a bandage was put over the tumor.  The "bandage frame" provides the surface to attach to so I am not pulling fur out with every bandage change.  It was iffy whether it would stay in place.  When we got home I put the donut on so Arri could not lick and the McGyver bandage seems to be holding fine.

the McGyver bandage

The last thing we discussed was the future.  I mentioned a specific day that we will probably purchase a ticket to the rainbow bridge if nothing goes significantly south before than.  He agreed that the lungs will give out before the rest of him. So we have more time with him.

 For the time being, Arri is not gasping for air.Actually, he has yet to gasp for air.  Maybe in January when he chest was full of fluid.   I don't want it to get to that.  Excitement and exertion bring on panting and more effort to get in enough air but he recovers fairly quickly.  I am laying on the floor with the dogs surrounding me.  As I watch them breathe, Summer takes one breath for every two of Arri's.

Back home, the three stooges go to the park.  When they return Arri barks and announces their arrival.  That is a good sign.

Arri has been working on his 'show me the cookies' technique.  He has added drooling to the game.  He plays dirty.