Arri's Journey with Cancer: March 10: decisions, decisions

I'm tired. Between the broken nights sleep and the constant questioning going on, I am really tired. Every day is difficult. Every hour is difficult. I am constantly reviewing Arri's quality of life and then having to make sure that I am not adjusting what is 'good' quality in order to prolong things.

The mornings are the hardest. Arri seems to be at his worst at that time. That is when he is least willing to walk or even stand. Sometimes he eats well, sometimes not. Initial movement brings on lots of coughing and panting.

By late morning he is much better. He will stand up on his own and move around. His appetite is out of control. He will gladly follow me around the yard if I have cookies. Sometimes he is a silent breather and sometimes he is panting. I was surprised to realize he pants differently for when he is hot and when he needs to go out. His eyes are bright and shiny.

Today he will not touch eukenuba. Canned food is gross. He snubbed baby food sweet potatoes but liked the canned pumpkin. Cookies are awesome and today he ate his pro plan shredded chicken for the first time in 2 months. He doesn't seem to drink until later in the day and he does not want water with his food. Suddenly only dry food will do.

So I am constantly monitoring. When he sleeps we could be robbed blind. No longer the light sleeper barking at any sound the cat makes in the night. When he is alert and you walk past him, he stares you down and tilts his head reminding you that the toll is one or 5 cookies to pass him.

Today he is following me from room to room. I didn't have to beat him off with a stick in order to leave for church but he did get up and stop in the doorway to see if possibly he would be invited to go. He has to wear the donut when we leave. The tumor on his side continues to weep . If it isn't because he licks it it is because he lays on it so when he spins on the ground, he rubs the top layer off. There are always fresh red dots on the carpet. Tonight I have tried to bandage it. I put a band-aid on it and then wrapped his belly loosely with an ace bandage. We will see if it has any benefit at all.

He is currently on the sofa, having asked to get up for the first time in days. He is doing his heat panting and is restless. The sofa isn't cool enough but it is comfy. Scratch that. He is off the sofa - too hot.

Tomorrow we are supposed to go up to MSU for x-rays, blood work and chemo. I have already decided I am not doing the chemo. There has just been too much tumor growth in the last two weeks. I am not convinced a different drug would do anything. So the question is do I keep the appointment? I still don't know. It is over 2 hours to get there. Do I think there will be any value to the trip? The x-rays would give me an idea of the progression of the cancer. But I already know. It is growing all over him. The only thing I can't tell is what is going on with the cancer in his kidney, chest and the nodules in his lungs. Would a chest tap make his breathing easier? If I skip the appointment, am I giving up? or am I acting in his best interest and not prolonging things? Arri isn't acting like it is time just yet. He eats well, drinks well, is alert when awake. He moves around on his own when on a surface that he can get a grip and it is not early in the morning. I can't fault that too much. Some people are fairly useless in the morning until they have had their caffeine.

Whew. I needed to get that out of my head. With it out of my head, I can think clearer and have decided that I will not be going to MSU. I will call Dr. Mike and get Arri in so that I can get a 3rd party opinion on how they think he is doing. Getting an x-ray would be for my own curiosity. It won't change anything.

Arri has moved to the front door. I open it and he lays down in the doorway. He didn't need to go out - yet, this is his hot panting. He just wants to lay in the open door with the fresh air. I tried to just crack open a window but that wasn't what he wants. He wants to guard the doorway. And guard he does. While laying there, Tim pulls in the driveway with the three stooges. Arri barks and barks and barks. It is the kind of behavior that makes me think we should keep the appointment. Either way, today is NOT the day.

I just went through some photos from today. Check out the grinning goober : )