March 13: Arri speaks

Hey Everybody!  It's me....ARRI

When mom had her back turned, Oregon helped me log on so I could write to you.

Last night was pretty rough.  Mom just didn't know what I wanted.  I was panting for 4 hours.  She gave me water, I drank.  But I just couldn't get enough air.  She finally understood my SOS pant and carried me to the kitchen.  She set me down and I fell.  She put on her coat and helped me get up.  That time I had no problem moving to the door.  I had to go out.  Boy did it take her a long time to figure that out. She must be really tired.  I enjoyed a little time sitting in the newly fallen snow.  It was pretty outside.  Of course every trip outside is not complete without a game of cookies.  It was 2 am  I was tired, mom was tired but we played anyway. I scored 2 whole pupperoni sticks.

Mom crawled into bed and I followed into the bedroom but didn't want to get on the bed.  I just laid at the foot.  She managed to get some sleep.  I didn't.  The trip outside relived me of panting but I was coughing the rest of the night.

I don't know why everyone is awake.  It is still dark out.   I think it must be my birthday.  I know something special is happening.  While the three stooges got their normal breakfast, mom fed me a piece of pumpkin pie.  My very own piece!!!!   I didn't have to share with anyone.  Then, as if that wasn't enough, she made me french toast.  I don't know what french toast is but mom was having some for breakfast and she said I could have some.  No sane dog would argue with mom if she is offering the same breakfast she is having.  I ate some of it but really, I liked the pie better.  Maybe I will get to finish the steak too.

I am kind of tired.  I'm gonna take another nap.  I have to rest up.  Mom says I am taking a train ride today.  I don't know what that is either, but I love riding in the car.  Mom explained that I was going to the Rainbow Bridge.  I would get to see Annie and Maleah and so many other dogs.  She promised I would be able to breathe better.  I wouldn't have all the lumps and bumps.  She wasn't sure if I would see my missing leg there.  That's ok if it isn't, I get along fine without.  I am a little sad that mom and dad won't be there but she said they will meet me later.

I gotta go.  Dr. Mike is here and mom said he has my train ticket.  Thank you for being so nice to my mom.  She always told me how great you all have been.  I will miss everyone.

Sniffs, wags, wiggles and barks!!!

Love,
Arri

March 12: emotion overload

Last night was not a good night.  Arri has had worse nights but there was a bunch of coughing.  He was at least able to sleep between coughing spells.  I could not.

At least twice, I flipped upside down to be closer to him.  To pet him and hold his paw.  He has always like holding hands - specially in the car.  Front seat dog likes to hold the drivers hand.  When he initiates it, it is good.  When I initiate it, it means toenail trim so he will pull away.  Last night during a spell, I reached over to hold a paw.  He stopped coughing, tucked his head into my hand and rested.  It was a rare moment I hope I don't forget.  At that point, I was thinking, today is the day.  I won't let you suffer.  That is probably why I didn't sleep much more.

Summer barked to go out at 6 am.  I let the three stooges out and fed them.  I brought a bowl of food for Arri.  After the night he had, I did not expect him to be interested in breakfast.  He was.  I hand fed him his kibble to keep him from eating it in 3 gulps and ending up choking to death.  After that, we all fell back to sleep.  At 8:30 I got up and ready to take Arri to see Dr. Mike at 9:30.  My late night Today is the day thought had moved to, maybe tomorrow morning would be better.

Tim and I discussed what to do and came to no conclusion.  We would wait and see what Dr. Mike thought.  While Tim was in the shower, I got Arri off the bed.  Not expecting much.  He stood and hopped to the water bowls.  I was momentarily excited.  Today might be a good day.  Then his back leg collapsed while he was drinking.  I lifted him up, he moved do another bowl, started drinking and his leg went out again.  In tears, I helped him to a spot on the tile to rest.  I left the room because I couldn't handle it.  Middle of the night thoughts are just that.  Thoughts.  Reality cuts like a dull, serrated knife.

When I got back to Arri, he wanted to stand.  I helped him up on the tile and made sure he made it to the carpet runner.  I opened the front door and offered an escape.  He stood staring at me.  I understood.  He wanted the sling.  As soon as it was in place he moved very quickly to the door, hesitated for just a second and continued on.  Renewed hope at this burst of energy.  I dropped the sling once down the step and he continued on his own to do what needed to be done.

I was no longer confident that today was the day.

At the vets office, Arri was not his usual complete spaz but still happy to see everyone.  He moved around on his own ok.  We waiting in the exam room for over an hour.  Maybe the second time in 14 years that has happened.  It turned out to be good because Arri calmed down and got his breathing normal while we waited.  He was very happy when Dr. Mike came in.  He sat up, pawed at him and started coughing.  Yea!  That is one of those things a doctor has to hear, you can't describe it to them. All things considered, he felt Arri was doing well.  Well enough to try the chemo if we decided to.  Even though we skipped the oncology appointment, Dr Mike said he could get the chemo for us.

The next challenge was Arri's oozing tumor.  I wasn't the only one to give him a bikini wax. The problem is the location and the fact that Arri is a boy.  Bandages and wraps will get in the way.  We discussed some ideas.  Some I had tried, some were off the wall, i-suppose-if-nothing-else-works kind.  We ended up with a McGyver trick.  Some fur was shaved for better contact.  Then ether was applied to some bandaging.  The ether makes the sticky - stickier.  That was placed in a square around the tumor.  Then a bandage was put over the tumor.  The "bandage frame" provides the surface to attach to so I am not pulling fur out with every bandage change.  It was iffy whether it would stay in place.  When we got home I put the donut on so Arri could not lick and the McGyver bandage seems to be holding fine.

the McGyver bandage

The last thing we discussed was the future.  I mentioned a specific day that we will probably purchase a ticket to the rainbow bridge if nothing goes significantly south before than.  He agreed that the lungs will give out before the rest of him. So we have more time with him.

 For the time being, Arri is not gasping for air.Actually, he has yet to gasp for air.  Maybe in January when he chest was full of fluid.   I don't want it to get to that.  Excitement and exertion bring on panting and more effort to get in enough air but he recovers fairly quickly.  I am laying on the floor with the dogs surrounding me.  As I watch them breathe, Summer takes one breath for every two of Arri's.

Back home, the three stooges go to the park.  When they return Arri barks and announces their arrival.  That is a good sign.

Arri has been working on his 'show me the cookies' technique.  He has added drooling to the game.  He plays dirty.

March 11: answered prayer

For those who have been praying for rest, prayers answered, we finally had some.  It was a good night. I was only up once due to hot panting.  I will see if this trick works tonight but I stuck an ice pack under the covers where Arri normally lays.  At first he avoided the section but he ended up laying on it.   In the morning, Arri was slow to get going but that has become the norm.

When Tim announced a trip to the park, Arri was in line to go.  Tim should have taken Arri on the first trip, not the second.  By the time Tim came to get him, he was less enthusiastic.  He did go but didn't get out of the car.  He enjoyed the car ride.

The day  was up and down and up and down.  Lots of rest, very little coughing.  More stumbling when he tries to get moving but once under way, he gets around fine.  He doesn't recover from toileting any more.  He squats so low and doesn't have the strength to lift his end back up.  Whether the weakness is fatigue or something growing inside causing havoc, I don't know.  Most likely it is fatigue.  We had moments of bright eyes interspersed with a dazed, far away look.

 He was restless most of the day.  He did have enough energy to stalk me around the house.  Normally I can leave a room, telling him I will be right back and he will stay.  Today, he would get up to follow me right away.  I always had to be in view.

When it wasn't raining, he spent some time outside.  I had to make him go out the door.  He knew he had to go but didn't want to cross the threshold.  He has not had any accidents.  Of course now that I have typed that out loud, I am sure he will.

The ace bandage was only somewhat successful.  Two problems were that I did not wrap it overly tight to keep it in place because I don't want any restriction on breathing.  The other problem related to that was that when he would spin in place to face a different direction, the wrap moved.  A thundershirt was suggested.  Excellent idea.  Didn't work.  The wound is too low on his belly and the shirt didn't cover it. I tried boxers, they wouldn't stay on.  What I need is a tube top.  70's fashion, where are you when I need you?  I ended up just putting a big bandaid on it.  Much to my amazement  it has stayed on.   He is starting to bleed through it so I need to change it out.  Hopefully the new one will stay on for the night.

Dr. Mike wasn't in the office today, so tomorrow morning we will go in so he can do a progress review.   I will have a partial answer as soon as we get in the door.  He loves everyone there.  As soon as we enter, he heads behind the counter.  So his reaction will tell me something.

As I review quality of life, I ask myself if he is sleeping more? Has his life boiled down to sleeping and going outside.   And then I look at the other 3 dogs - each unconscious in a comfy spot. I am not sure sleep is going to be a good indicator. Summer was having a most excellent dream earlier.  She was curled up on the sofa, tail hanging off.  Her tail starts wagging and wagging and wagging.  It was pretty funny.

The other day I bought Arri a steak at the grocery store.  I do not yet know when his last meal will be but it should be a good one if I can control it.  I decided to cook it tonight.  He has not been eating canned food so I was not sure if he would eat any.  I cut it into itty pieces and hand fed some of it too him.  I didn't give him too much.  I will use it for treats tomorrow.

Yesterday I made a pumpkin pie.  Tim asked me why? - not that he needs a reason because he loves pumpkin pie.  I was just out of the blue doing it. Of course I burst into tears because I was making it for Arri.  I made one sometime in January or early February and gave Arri a couple of bites.  He loved it.

So tonight when I had a piece, I shared it with Arri.  I gave him the first bite and he licked the fork so after that, he used the fork and I used my fingers.  Pumpkin pie is convenient that way.  Tim asked if he should just give Arri his own piece.  I said no, I don't want him to get sick.  Tim's look was priceless. Really?   Sick?  What I meant was that I don't want him throwing up or the big D.

So I just changed Arri's bandage.  That was some good stick um'.  All I can say is that if anyone ever needs a wax, do not come to me.  I am so very sorry Arri.  I almost didn't put a fresh one on but it was oozing pretty good.  Tomorrow, the pros will figure something out.

March 10: decisions, decisions

I'm tired.  Between the broken nights sleep and the constant questioning going on, I am really tired.   Every day is difficult.  Every hour is difficult. I am constantly reviewing Arri's quality of life and then having to make sure that I am not adjusting what is 'good' quality in order to prolong things.

The mornings are the hardest.  Arri seems to be at his worst at that time. That is when he is least willing to walk or even stand.  Sometimes he eats well, sometimes not.  Initial movement brings on lots of coughing and panting.

By late morning he is much better.  He will stand up on his own and move around.  His appetite is out of control.  He will gladly follow me around the yard  if I have cookies. Sometimes he is a silent breather and sometimes he is panting.  I was surprised to realize he pants differently for when he is hot and when he needs to go out.  His eyes are bright and shiny.

Today he will not touch eukenuba.  Canned food is gross. He snubbed baby food sweet potatoes but liked the canned pumpkin. Cookies are awesome and today he ate his pro plan shredded chicken for the first time in 2 months.  He doesn't seem to drink until later in the day and he does not want water with his food.  Suddenly only dry food will do.

So I am constantly monitoring.  When he sleeps  we could be robbed blind.  No longer the light sleeper barking at any sound the cat makes in the night.  When he is alert and you walk past him, he stares you down and tilts his head reminding you that the toll is one or 5 cookies to pass him.

Today he is following me from room to room.  I didn't have to beat him off with a stick in order to leave for church but he did get up and stop in the doorway to see if possibly he would be invited to go.  He has to wear the donut when we leave.  The tumor on his side continues to weep .  If it isn't because he licks it it is because he lays on it so when he spins on the ground, he rubs the top layer off.  There are always fresh red dots on the carpet.  Tonight I have tried to bandage it.  I put a band-aid on it and then wrapped his belly loosely with an ace bandage.  We will see if it has any benefit at all.

He is currently on the sofa, having asked to get up for the first time in days.  He is doing his heat panting and is restless.  The sofa isn't cool enough but it is comfy.  Scratch that.   He is off the sofa - too hot.

Tomorrow we are supposed to go up to MSU for x-rays, blood work and chemo.  I have already decided I am not doing the chemo.  There has just been too much tumor growth in the last two weeks.  I am not convinced a different drug would do anything.  So the question is do I keep the appointment?  I still don't know.  It is over 2 hours to get there.  Do I think there will be any value to the trip?  The x-rays would give me an idea of the progression of the cancer.  But I already know.  It is growing all over him.  The only thing I can't tell is what is going on with the cancer in his kidney, chest and the nodules in his lungs.  Would a chest tap make his breathing easier?  If I skip the appointment, am I giving up?  or am I acting in his best interest and not prolonging things?  Arri isn't acting like it is time just yet.  He eats well, drinks well, is alert when awake.  He moves around on his own when on a surface that he can get a grip and it is not early in the morning.  I can't fault that too much.  Some people are fairly useless in the morning until they have had their caffeine.

Whew.  I needed to get that out of my head.  With it out of my head, I can think clearer and have decided that I will not be going to MSU.  I will call Dr. Mike and get Arri in so that I can get a 3rd party opinion on how they think he is doing.  Getting an x-ray would be for my own curiosity.  It won't change anything.

Arri has moved to the front door.  I open it and he lays down in the doorway.  He didn't need to go out - yet, this is his hot panting.  He just wants to lay in the open door with the fresh air.  I tried to just crack open a window but that wasn't what he wants.  He wants to guard the doorway.  And guard he does.  While laying there, Tim pulls in the driveway with the three stooges.  Arri barks and barks and barks.  It is the kind of behavior that makes me think we should keep the appointment.  Either way, today is NOT the day.

I just went through some photos from today.  Check out the grinning goober   : )

  

COOOOOKIES.....

see the bump on my cheek?  yep another tumor that showed up in the last 2 weeks.

I'm not coming in until you show me the cookies.

March 9: why today is not the day

  I had decided sometime in the middle of the night that I would give Arri 24 hours.  I don't want him to suffer  but I also don't believe in amputating a finger because you have a hang nail.   Arri seems to agree with that philosophy.  He said he has a hang nail and a paper cut but he is not ready to go to the bridge. After such a difficult night, Arri certainly has thrown a curve ball.

I dragged him off the bed this morning.  He wasn't going to get off until he absolutely had too.  He would not stay standing. I got the sling and held him up, he wouldn't walk.  It wasn't that he couldn't, he just didn't want to.  I wasn't going to give in so I scooped him up and carried him outside.  He had one 'put me down' moment but gave in.  I set him down on the sidewalk.  He stared at me...'now what?'    I walked away to check on the rest of the dogs and saw Arri hop to the snow...not the grass/mulch area, the big pile...as tall as him.  He threw himself onto the pile and just laid there kind of hanging over the top like he was stuck but I could tell he was making yellow snow.  It took awhile before he moved and when he did, he had melted a significant amount of snow.  Mom knows.  He had to go even if he said he didn't.

He hopped over to the middle of the yard and laid down - without collapsing.  Contemplating life.  That was when I noticed his eyes were clear and bright.   Such a nice sight to see.  A customer arrived and I wrangled the 3 stooges into the house before she was greeted to death.  Arri stayed in the grass.  After getting her order, I followed her out to check on Arri.  He had followed her halfway down the stairs.  Did he go back up that way?  No, he had to be difficult and try cross country across the landscape rocks and crunchy snow.  The word graceful was not present.  He found a place to lay down and contemplated life some more.  I went back in the house and left him to decide when to come in.  He stayed in the yard 10 minutes more.  He hopped to the sidewalk and was looking for me.  When I stepped into the doorway he moved with energy.  He stopped at the step....gotta play the game.  Instead of offering him the cookies, I grabbed the sling and lassoed him.  He moved up the step with confidence.

He lays, guarding my back, sleeping soundly.

This afternoon, I was able to lure him outside with cookies.  You would think we never fed him.  Again, he laid down and enjoyed the fresh air.  After awhile, he still had not peed so I lured him farther into the yard with more cookies.  Finally he decided I really wasn't going to give him anymore until he when 'hurry'. He went, we rejoiced with treats and I went into the house letting him come in when he was good and ready - on his own.

It turns out, today is not the day.

March 9: rough night

The signs are getting clearer.  The day is coming soon.

I worked 12 hours yesterday so I didn't get much Arri observation time.  What I did see was that he is not making much attempt to stand up.  He is moving around on his own but he seemed to move the most when someone hoisted his rear in the air for him.  His eyes are missing their sparkle.

Arri would not go outside before bed last night.  He wouldn't stay standing.  He didn't even come into the bedroom.  I climbed into bed and listened.  I finally heard his toenails on the tile.  He was trying but he couldn't get up.  At that point I went and helped him. He wanted to get on the bed but didn't seem to want to do his part of the assisted jumping.  I started to lift him and suddenly he was sorry he did not do his part.  He is not keen on being carried.

I woke up many times to him coughing and panting.  He was restless at 2 am so I offered him water.  Not interested.  I lifted him off the bed and carried him to the kitchen.  He stood.  I walked to the front door and opened it.  Went back to Arri, he was laying down.  I hoisted his rear and he went 5 steps before his back leg collapsed.  We have been seeing more of that in the last 3 days. I helped him again and he got to the front door and paused.  He was about to lay down.  Nope. No way.  He was going out.  I gave him a little rear end motivation and he went out.  He paused once before continuing to the grass.  He started to pee and his leg gave out.  I helped him up and kept walking on the cleared-of-snow path.  Of course he had to go #2 and headed for the snow.  The snow is hard and crunchy and not easy to move over.  He assumed the position and as he tried to step away, his leg gave out again. More assistance and he moved to a pile of snow and laid down.  It was a beautiful clear night.  The stars were out so we sat and watched them for a while.   I was sorry it was 25 degrees and not 75 degrees.  We could have camped out.   I went and got the sling to help Arri in.  We paused a few times but I never felt the sling take the bulk of his weight.

Back to bed.  Summer senses something is up.  She is sleeping right against Arri now.  Poor guy.  Having her close is nice but she is a fire breathing dragon - she radiates some heat.  I have the fan pointed at them.

Tim gets home from work.  Arri is not excited or thumping his tail.  He won't touch the canned food but will eat cookies and eukenuba.  When offered the right food, he eats just fine.  He hasn't gotten out of bed yet.  When I check on him, he is soundly sleeping.   I pet his side and he opens his eyes but his is not yet interested in joining me outside.

The light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter.

March 8: demo day

Today was an interesting change in my schedule.  I had to be at the middle school at 7:45 am for Career Day.  I have been going every year for quite a few years now.  I don't go for the bakery, I go to talk about Canine Companions for Independence.

It all started yesterday when my co-presenter came down with the flu. (Hope you are feeling better Beth and thanks for keeping it to yourself)  Doing presentations on my own is not a big deal.  The only reason being on my own this  time is difficult is because it is actually 4 x 40 minute presentations.  By the 3rd one, I am normally going horse.  It is also alot for a single dog to deal with.  Lots of kids.  By the last presentation, the dogs are usually pretty wiped out. Instead of it just being Oregon and me, I decided at the last minute that Glamis needed to come too.  He is a retired service dog and still knows his stuff.

The day did not start all that well.  Arri had a rough night breathing.  Then when Tim offered him breakfast, he had little interest.  Eventually we found he would eat dry dog food.  The bad part was that he inhaled it and ended up in distress when he couldn't decided if it needed to come back up or stay down.  He kept it down but we learned to just hand feed him so he gets it slower.

Next, since I had to leave, I had to force Arri off the bed and outside.  He was not happy to have his schedule rushed and was fairly un-cooperative.  Every time I tried to give him a butt up to walk outside, he outright refused to stand.  I finally tricked him by opening the door to the garage and then the garage door.  He thought he was going for a car ride so he ran outside.  Boy did I feel bad.  He toileted but then I had to give him the bad news that only Oregon and Glamis were going.  Even Summer gave me a dirty look for leaving her behind.  Tim was home but he was sleeping (with earplugs in) so it wasn't like he was going to be great company.

The presentations went fine.  Glamis had a ball.  He was so happy to be out and working.  Pulling my sock off and handing me my shoe were big hits with the kids.  And sure enough, by the last demo, Oregon had had enough.  He would only do something if I asked Glamis to do it first.   But that worked both ways.  Glamis really can not do an UP anymore.  He tries, but it doesn't work.  Glamis was not going to be shown up by the 'pup'.  Oregon did an UP, Glamis was right there trying.  He succeeded twice but mostly he just bounced.  Maybe we can work on that back leg strength and try again next year.

Home from the demos, Arri was laying in the bedroom doorway.  He was subdued.  No interest in going outside.  It was like that all day.  He is missing some energy and interest today.  Since he was the only one that did not go outside, I am pretty sure he is the one that made a mess in the living room.  I was down in the bakery.  I thought I had heard Tim was up and moving around.  From the bakery, I smelled it.  Over the smell of sugar.  I thought Tim was fixing a pretty nasty breakfast.  I let my nose direct me and found that Tim was not yet out of bed and the nasty smell was on the living room rug.  Oregon and Glamis were huddled together in the middle of the kitchen looking over their shoulder at Arri.  Sorry Arri, but they ratted you out.  At that point, when I gave him a butt lift, he stood and went outside.  That would be the other negative about Arri's day.  He is not trying to stand on his own.  He will spin around and look for assistance.  Not sure if that is related to his energy level or if there is something more going on.  I have found more growths on him that are not BB's but masses.  I have found more BB's also.  He has one growing on the outer rim of his other ear.  Pretty soon I will not be able to scratch either ear afraid I will irritate the growths.

At the moment, Arri is resting peacefully on the bed.  He did his part to jump up with my help.  I should have a bit more time to spend with him tomorrow.  The last two days have been way to busy with work and he has not had my back outside the bakery.  He doesn't want to make the trip down the stairs.

Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day.